Panda Suit Man was dashing through a crowd of dancing ayis. They emerged in Nongjing, at Tingbudong Square. “It’s always darkest before it becomes totally black.” Happy flicked off Chinese Urkel and followed Panda Suit Man down the hole. Panda Suit Man dove back down into the toilet. “So many butthurt!” laughed and pointed Chinese Urkel. Panda Suit Man then shoved his hand up Happy’s ass, dug around, and pulled out Happy’s prostate. Panda Suit Man yelled: “This for the feelings of the Chinese people!” and Happy’s Guns N’ Roses ringtone suddenly went off. He realized he didn’t have toilet paper and knew his only choices: hands, socks or underwear.Īs he levitated his fat, hairy, honky white ass over the toilet, he heard a chugging train sound and felt a cold wind blowing below.Ī hand clawed from the toilet’s mouth and a man in a panda suit crawled out of it. Happy dropped trou and loosed his bowels. He kicked in another and yanked out a squatting, cell phone playing Chinese Urkel, and flung the fucker to the floor.
He’d been in China long enough and knew the progression of laduzi.Īll the stalls were occupied so he kicked in one’s door and found a dentist pulling teeth from a princeling in a Pol Pot hat. Wumao Laoshi with a flesh wound, stood calmly at the mirror, smoking, downloading a suicide app. It smelled strongly of piss, shit, vinegar, and secondhand smoke. He ended the call and realized he was in the WC. Happy closed the door tightly and saw all his students lay bloodied, dead on the floor. Happy opened the door to the hallway and saw a deranged janitor running amok, with a meat clever, singing Michael Jackson songs in a horrible falsetto as he was hacking at students, staff at random…
Her parted legs revealed a bare vagina underneath her dress, and she stared lustily at Happy, performing fellatio on a Popsicle…Ī commotion outside. They talked over him, played on phones, watched movies on tablets, or lay face first on desks, sleeping.Ī petite caramel girl sat atop a desk in the front row. Happy tried a simple ESL game, but the students paid no mind. No AC in the steamy, crumbling classroom and silver slivers of sweat streamed down his forehead, armpits, asscrack. Happy mounted the shushu like a horse, put a cigarette to the shushu’s lips, and they were off, galloping through the humanity, jumping every queue…. He dressed up in standard China TEFL uniform, a clown costume, with requisite white face paint, big red nose, and spit-shined, pumped up kicks.Īn obese shushu from Guizhou was his ride to school and waited on all fours outside. Happy drank a morning beer, smoked a bowl of opium, popped his Prozac and ate a hearty breakfast of fried chicken feet and cockroaches and watched car crash videos on the morning news. “Mainlanders only do two things with their handicapped. Happy admired the island’s colonial style buildings, the European architecture, stone pillars.Ī 50ish Cantonese man pushed his teenage son’s wheelchair past the Starbucks. A purplish sunrise yielded to baby blue skies. “This was once the only place in Guangzhou laowai could live…” A committed insomniac and early riser, Happy Sacks stretched out on his balcony overlooking VPN Road, Shamian Island.
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